Just rambling...

While there really is no rhyme or reason to this post, I have the desire to just speak and here I go...

Oh, fuck, this is going to be one of those "feeling" posts, isn't it? Life has not gone like I want it, but really, who can say it has? Even all the shit you go through that you hate at the time is for a purpose. Not a spiritual one, per-say, but a purpose to get you to the next step in your life. My grades and general apathy got me kicked out of college. After feeling bad for myself for some time, I got a job with my brother-in-law Charles. That blew up around two years later and I found myself growing attached to this girl online. She was only a catalyst, though. I mean, I felt some semblance of love for her. She challenged me without knowing it to advance myself, to start to answer some of the problems I have. And my problems are so minimal when I look at it. I don't have any medical disorder or learning disability. While overweight, I am not physically incapable of doing certain things. But the truth is...I'm just lazy. It's something I battle because it's my default setting.

All of those events, some life-changing and others mildly annoying got me to IM Charlotte up one day. Oh, how are things...you live in town...we should get together...how's tonight? And after a few months of friendship with flirting, we became more. And more. And more. And the result was Abigail, born April 30th.

Am I ready to be a father? No. And there are times when she cries where I think...what the hell did I get myself into? I'll admit that the A-word popped into my head last September when Charlotte took a test and it turned out positive. I am a big proponent of a woman's right to choose. But we didn't get far down that road. The idea of adoption fell soon after. My family was excited. A new baby to add to the brood that was already six large, but the oldest was looking at college and the youngest was getting ready to make the jump to middle school.

And now the question is when we will get married...what will we do about daycare...and can we really make it? We haven't been together two years so this baby was hardly the plan. Everything is complicated now.

Would we do it again? Probably not like this. But those mistakes got us Abigail. And all the stress she brings...she's still so incredible.

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I find myself wondering what my former friends are up to. Is that natural? Are they happy with their decisions? Are they significantly different? I don't know if I am.

Blah.